Misery

Dear diary,

There is one thing that impedes me from being calm in accepting my fortune, which is the believe that I can control every situation to be in accordance with my direction. The thought that Allah will always be on my side makes me feel over confidence. No Ayuni. You've got to learn that you are actually mean nothing. You got more than what u deserve. Who do you think you are?The world will never stop spinning be it with or without you. Get a life Ayuni, please. Pathetic.

care to hunt

When Paan asked “r u okay Yuni? If there is anything wrong just tell me", I just felt like jumping to him and cry in front of him. How can someone who has never been close to me can be so understanding to that extent? Yes mate I have been crying for the past three days. A good friend of mine hates me mucho without reason that any working mind could ever accept. He is a part of my life who chooses to show so much of hatred, even calling me an asshole.

Am I gonna kneel again this time? No, definitely. With that decision to I have to swallow hard the horrendous life that I can imagine next year. Why do people whom I appreciate always tend to disregard me? why can't their eyes see how appreciative I am for their friendship? Am I good for nothing?  2 months of joy, then it halted mercilessly. How am I going to enjoy my life here without friends around, let alone knowing that we arent longer talking?

There has been a continuous pain deep inside. I am losing self-worth Paan...
Deep down I am suffering.
Thankfully, there is you who is you

sobs

Oh Kak Jenny

Dear diary,

I came across some ugly definitions of a word that I initially had doubt creeping in regarding its existence. There is such term as housechild, although unauthorized but sufficiently depressing. As 'siot' as it seems, by definition a housechild is 'old-enough to be a housewife, unemployed, plus has lived away from the house for a period of time and is now coming back to the house just when the parents thought they were finally rid of her". Sheesh!! It has never been easy to get over this ongoing excruciating period of unemployment and uncertainty. It is like you are living alone on another earth that has stopped spinning. You can only witness a normal perfect life portrayed by other people while you helplessly questioning in silence why life is being so unkind to you. And somehow or rather you feel like getting back at world but again, the helplessness is the concern. I know. Allah knows. Only we both know. It is only the sixth day of 2014 and look how unmotivated have I become. Nak kena Ayuni niiii..

I need fresh air! Can the world hear me shouting from this mattress top? :D

While I was hoping for a good excuse for another so-called blissful escapism, Kak Jannah came in with the strongest ever reason to tell abah and mama. She is getting married! OK what is so great about her getting married? Of course it is! Kak Jannah is my naqibah. I have got to see her because.. first, I am pretty sure that it is unlikely to be another next time. The possibility is slowly fading. Second, I have millions of reasons to love her as she was the one who had made every weekend at Wellington more meaningful by prompting us to sit together turning each miraculous pages of Quran. The routine that grew to be more significant from that moment on. So that's it. Seeing Kak Jannah is a must even if It means that I've got to find my own way to her place in Muar.

He made thing easy for me as always. My spontaneous plan has been positively responded by the girls. Everybody seems to be willing travel again from different coordinate to catch up. There had been a few after we parted but it's never enough. Well, this stone gonna get not just two, but maybe three or four birds killed sadistically. I will promise to you el diario that I will get better. I will work on those few do's. Yezzaa..Just another week to go. Muy perfecto ^^

Good luck

Dear diary,

Tomorrow is the day of SPP interview. The exposure since the first year I stepped in teaching field will somehow be asked by the selected few experts. Within 5 days I have been struggling to regain some (surely not much) knowledge imparted by the lecturers, and I guess my other coursemates who are currently breathing unpleasantly due to mountaining anxiety are doing the same. Listening to the seniors' stories would not help much. I am still not sure what am I going to see, hear and witness tomorrow. Haih Ayuni just hope for the best. You have gone this far...
Cuak yang amat... For a moment I think I do not know what to say. It's utterly terrifying. Never a second that I enjoy a formal interview.... Uhukhuk

Dear diary,

Lesson for today:

A Moment of Patience in A Moment of Anger Prevents A Thousand Moments of Regret

Smlm pegi pinjam kain. Teacher mmg smgt sgt nak mencantikkan gerai aidilfitri esok utk kls kita especially lps dgr Sir Nazifi announced ada pertandingan stall cantik. Dalam otak nak buat scallop sana sini kasi gempak sikit. Teacher sms awk utk tnya td lps asar free x? Panggil kwn2 kita deco garage kelas. Pg td pkl 10.30 awk reply ckp 'teacher kita jumpa pukul 12 eh'. Decision korg teacher agree n x question lgsg. Ok fine even pkl 12 jumaat tcr mmg kitchen duty lunch abah balik jumaat. Teacher Still nak pegi thinking of korg busy wpun teacher hrp sgt bekerja ptg2. 11 plus2 tcr still mengajar kls upsr. Korg antar lg sms tanya kt mn. Teacher kalut balik rumah amik beg2 kain tu and pegi ke sekolah. Teacher sampai kat sekolah, sunyi sepi. Park kereta pukul 11.57. Teacher call awk kat mana n awk ckp "teacher, sy xpegi sek saya kat rumah.. Classmates lain ada dlm kls". Ok da berasap. Sy menapak ke kls jauh tu n found out kls kosong sunyi cm rumah hantu fun fair murah. Teacher call awak lg and awak ckp.

"Dah teacher lambat diorang balik laa. Sape suruh tcr lambat". Sumpah ayat awak sgt annoying.. 

"Tadi kn awk ckp dtg pkl 12. Teacher sampai 11.57 itu ke lambat? Lambat ape bendanya???" 

Sumpah nada suara tertinggi utk sem ini. Heat surrounding campur heat dlm hati. Memang boleh generate power. Dari planet mana korang ni dtg sbnrnya????

Agaknya dosa tcr di zaman silam la ni dpt students mcm korang. Ataupun korang tidur time math. Topic Time  in Standard 2, tu yg konsep jam still kabur lagi tak tahu awal lambat,walaupun umo da 16.  Tapi kesabaran itu penting. Ikutkan hati panas ni nak je hang up call and balik terus. Tapi... Teacher suruh awk dtg n teacher pilih untuk tunggu even buat keje sorang..

Xsure ikhlas ke x, awk dtg akhirnya dgn bj krg mcm pegi kenduri. Berlenggang. Tali yg pesan xde. Nothing. Dtg ngn helmet je. Maybe awk plan helmet tu boleh jd pasu bunga. And teacher yg memanjat2 ni suruh awk ikat dawai hujung lagi satu, awak pandang teacher n ckp "saya kena panjat ni? Saya kena ikat?"

Awak ikat sikit. N x sampai 10 minit ckp "boleh sy balik?". Walaupun awk nmpk tc still berbelit2 dgn kain. Byk lagi nk sangkut kat tiang atas.

Bila tcr blah keluar dr sek, terserempak dgn awk ngn motor. Td nak blik sgt apsal muka awk ada lg?? Awk snyum. Tcr xleh nak bls. Xmampu.. 

Awak pernah tgk x mesin buat patty burger? Dlm tu la tcr igt nak humban awk. Buat patty.. Pastu jual kat kedai daging dkt entrance asda.

...and make sure sebelah tray patty daging awak ialah tray daging steak babi hutan. Side by side.

Nasib baik tcr x mengajar awk. Hoho. Jgn kata ilmu, kalau tcr ni pokok pon blm tentu tcr bg oxygen kat awk.

and td awk sms lg yg berbunyi:

"Teacher pg esk tcr amik sy kt rmh tau!"

***speechless***

Hari ini.. Bila jumpa balik beraya, rs benci hilang mcm tu je ^^ seronok je jaga stall ramai2.

Cikgu mn xsyg students, xwujud. Huk2

Kepada awak.. teacher mntk maaf zahir batin. Tolong respect sikit. Teacher mmg la guru ganti but guru is guru.

Well, So not me lah membenci org ^^ at last perasaan syg jugak menang.

...and yg paling busuk dlm banyak2 perkara, pertandingan stall cantik xwujud. Sir Nazifi sekadar berseloroh taklimat hr tu.

Dunia ini kejaaam sangat. Bukan tentera Mesir je, org Kelantan pon. Aaaaaa!

Angry bird

Dear diary,

Rage overwhelming. If Rovio can be so smart with the invention of Angry Bird, I think our Rector should be proud too for giving birth to the Angry TESLians. 

Truthfully, please convince me that how attending graduation hosted by the Uni can be an improper action? Why can't we attend both as we had been educated by both varsities. It's our hardwork, our money, our effort and our right. Tsk tsk..what's wrong with that? For numerous times there have been so many good things promised and when the time comes, there will be one or two people let us down. Those from upper position can be a bit of pain sometimes. Is that the unwiseness on our side to do simple things that may perceived by little others as unnecessarily over manner, or somebody's imbecility covered by the highly acknowlede certs? Anger had to do with what is set in mind, admitted fact. Maybe I am at fault for not be able to accept the situation at worst. There is a serious need for a change in mentality. The question is whose, and how?

Ntah la... things went so wrong for the whole day yesterday since morning, since the English period of 2KMT3 and the unwanted announcement on TESlite was roughly the climax. Macam biskut raya, the respect that I have for the upper people is reducing. Kena istighfar banyak sebelum jadi serdak. I feel sour, I feel blue. 

Oh God, please send someone to give me a lift to my dream happy place- pleasure beach Blackpool. 

Hukhuk. That is too much. 

How about a generous amount of anesthetic for my emotion desensitisation? 

That is also a no-no.

Ntah la belalang.. The world may look so fair for everyone to enjoy, but there are people who don't. Does anyone care? NO! 

Suka meracau bila emosi terganggu. Habit.. Habitual action. Guna Present Tense >.<

Supremacy

The presence of Jack and Jamie had really made my days that have not been so rosy of late. Their sunniness are like the buds with the power of dispelling gloom. I love every single days that I have to rush back from school just to be with them apart from the main agenda of teaching Jack to read while strengthening the 3Rs knowledge that had been acquired by Along (Jamie). It is far more exciting to teach them with 100% English as compared to teaching those caballeros of Form 5 who look like somebody's son-in-laws but can hardly understand even the kindergarten English instruction. Entering the third week, I am aware that I have not yet done much for Jack due to my poor ability of making him concentrate while I am teaching. Nevertheless, I could assure to his mom that he is now able to read more syllables while Jamie is becoming more comfortable with his present ability. Bless. I am fully aware that tomorrow is the final lesson with them. Hence, since as early as Sunday my mind has been 'deliberately meddled' in thinking what should I do during my final lesson with them. While invigilating PMR trial exam I cracked my head to write a simple letter to Jack. I wish that this letter will be the first letter that he will read as soon as he can. Perhaps something like "I will always be in Kelantan, make it as a point to come back again, or Raya has been done me really good, you should not give up, keep in mind that everybody looks up to you too, not only Jamie"..whatever words that can evoke positivity to Jack. However, that letter was unfinished. A few Form 2 kids were kind of terrible nuisance during the exam and they actually cut off my writing. That plan stopped there and I plan to continue it tonight since there is a plenty of time before tomorrow. Today's lesson was great too. Jack and Jamie enjoyed much the maze activities although it was ended a bit early because both of them are still wheezy after an asthma attack. We played "what is the thing game" which is their favourite routine before I leave the house everyday. Just now before leaving I took some random photos again although there will still be tomorrow. That Mak Usu started making me sad by saying "hurm lepas ni rindu la kat teacher, xde dah esok last". I guess Mak Usu is not quite right. That statement should go the other way. While driving home I thought It would be nice if I give them cookies tomorrow. After terawikh will be ok to bake simple things like cookies a giant one like those sold at UK Tesco. I know they will enjoy it much by looking at the condition of their teeth...heheeh. That sudden plan caused a sharp turn to supermarket. A perfect cookie comes from expensive and quality ingredients. Van Houten choc chips will do, insya-Allah. Owing to the limited lot, I parked the car terribly and rushed to the mart. Yeah, tonight just bake the cookies, print the final exercise sheets and a love letter to Jack and Jamie. Fortunately, I left a stick of butter out from the fridge too. Yeay. I feel so excited to see them munching my cookies tomorrow. I also want to retell about the ghost story.I know how far their mind has been influenced by my story of how a kid will turn into pocong after being 7 days in the grave if the drink the coloured water from the colour pencil dust. While I was getting ready for the kitchen war, with the Van Houten ready, I received a text from Kak Esya, "Dik, we need to go back to KL tomorrow, emergency reason. TQ so much. Please give your bank details for this week payment:)".

...

Sorry keyboard for making you wet
:'(

Taking the road

Huu susahnya nak buat keputusan. 17 Aug. Wedding cousin di hotel kat Putrajaya or wedding faizuan n Siti di Kelantan? Ya Allah.. Stress betul kalau ada 2 big events on the same day. selalu buat ala2 the Flash untuk join both, but this time memang impossible. Sepupu yg tidak rapat dan janji untuk tlg drive untuk ayah atau wedding kawan sekelas mrsm n kls sblh mrsm yg epic an get a chance to meet my college mates after spm? Last year pon I regret once in making wrong choice. The biggest dice on earth pon will never satisfy me. I choose friend this time. Macam mana nak create ayat yg plg best utk satisfy parents?? =.= aduuuh.. Nervous... Mcm mn nii..and I know I wont be entirely happy to chase for friends at te expense of letting down abah and ma. There are times in life you disappoint people you love and similarly people you love may also disappoint you. That cycle goes like that lah kot to one degree or another, inevitably. I reaaaaally2 wish that they don't mind not having me around. Hope abah can drive well to KL. Betulke ni? Feel like banging my head to the wall now

5K4

Day 5 at the school. Apa yg boleh dikatakan, 5K4 masih dlm top ranking kelas yg plg mencabar. Sedih mengenangkan 7 heroes tu. Handsome sihat semua tapi xnk belajar, membaca xlancar, critical sangat. Rasa kesian bila tgk cikgu lain yg msk kelas tu membawa magazine, selak3 bunyi je loceng keluar. If 5 tahun dlm kls akhir n layanan cikgu mcm tu, so what can be concluded, tidak akan berlakunya sebarang pembinaan utk kemajuan. Smlm bila tanya ada buku je x they just replied kitorg dtg sekolah xperlu buku. Too bad =.=..zz. Bila sy nk koyak buku sdiri br diorg kalut nk keluarkn apa2 kertas bwh meja. Berjaya ajar adverb of manners ngn contoh yg mudah. Alhamdulillah depa stay kat tmpt duduk slm 40 mnt tanpa usha2 girls kat luar, bergaduh or buat perangai. Tadi bila nak ajar membaca, sy tanya smlm mcm mn nak ckp psl verb? 2,3 org answered ly..ly.. "Walk slowlyy".. Rasa sebak. Jadi la tahu sikit. Happy sgt. Lebih bermakna dr merit. Semoga usaha ini dipermudahkanNya. 5K4 sangat perlu dibantu. Sangat yg teramat.

Confusion

I am now trapped in a state of confusion. I find myself disoriented in a sense of future planning. Yes, the place where I will be posted really matters to design the pattern of life that I gonna live. I wish I can work in Kelantan, but there are a few times that I want to migrate like how abah did. Go somewhere else, meet new people,live in new surroundings. Being away for a few years somehow had changed the way I think. Nevertheless, it is absolutely wrong to say that I am mentally prepared to be sent to Sabah or Sarawak. Those states never exist in my mind, nor my eyes to imagine. I want to take care of my parents but Kelantan is not the land where I wanted my house poles being erected. No, I don't want. When abah said the principal of Sekolah Menengah Sains Pasir Puteh is interested to arrange that I will serve at that a school, what can I see in my eyes is nothing. It is all dark, lonely, and quiet. That sounds good if than nothing, but I just don't want to be here as early as 24. Give me life for 1 year or 2, at least before I have my own family. Once in Kelantan, will always be in Kelantan. Abah will get really upset if he knows this. I know. That might be a reason too that I don't want to show my excitement. It is very hard to tell, but if only abah knows what is hidden in my mind T.T no, tak nak. Please I don't want.

My Chemical Romance

When I was a young boy,My father took me into the city,To see a marching band,He said "son when you grow up"Will you be the saviour of the broken,The beaten and the damned
He said will you defeat themYour demons and all the non-believersThe plans that they have made..
-_-_and this all time fav song ends here_-_-
To that particular dad, should I give my response on behalf of your son?Yeah demons their comrades are not around in Ramadhan. They are locked up somewhere, with their legs chained. Al-Bukhari confirmed that. The gates of Paradise are open whereas the gates of Hellfire are closed.
But.. I've been defeated instead
Why does the thought keep coming in my terawikh..obviously not the plan of demons??Is it another form of image, dream in the past, or something occult, perhaps beautiful, long2 time ago, for sure not so significant yet remain steady in this mind... 
I just want a better tomorrow, specifically a better terawikh tomorrow.
~~Krikk2~~