Last page

Dear diary,

I got the chance to discuss on slightly nice decisions for better life next year. I make promise to put myself closer to Quran, I will prepare to make the most of next year's umrah. Insha Allah by being a better Muslim, Allah will be more likely to grant my wishes.I will give more while leaving my bad habits behind. I promise to stop comparing my fate with others, I will stop hating my life, I will be more sincere when I thank my Creator. I will love myself more. I will love those who love me. That is for sure. Goodbye 2014.

Calamity

This is not a merry christmas
For the first time I feel so compassionate for others.
Kelantan was mostly underwater.
Thousands lost their homes.
This was indeed an unimaginably bad test.
Allahurabbi

Dreams come true

Dear diary,

For the first time I came to know this song when I was in Abg Edy's car, on our way to Ampang. I was stunned with the melody and lyrics. It somehow reflected what I was hoping for before I flying home. Long I sat there quietly in that gloomy evening fearing and doubting the set dreams of my own. There was a Liput gathering in Ejat's place that took up another two nights of my December getaway. I was indeed amused with at every moment with the girls. Nevertheless, I bottled up one tiny desire in my heart. There something else missing. I really really wanna see my Simba no matter what it takes, at all costs.  It has been years till I arrived to that awaited moment. Thank you Allah for fulfilling my intention although there was slim chance for me to achieve that dream since everybody else had met Simba before. Around 10pm, Nov 15, I saw the unchanged Simba when I saw its smile and its paws flying in the air, greeting me with presumably mutual great feeling. I'm glad to see that Simba is doing good. Trust me, I have never had this feeling with other occupants of this planet, and I have never met sweeter soul as Simba's. Neither near nor dear, but it involves unutterably deep magical emotion in me which makes my heart treasures Simba enormously. Your name is always in my prayer Simba. Our path crossed, events done together were countless. Lucky me.

"sometimes to grasp the utmost value of a moment is until it becomes pieces of memory"

:)

Come with me, and we will fly together
To a place, where we can love forever 
Take my hand, and we will see tomorrow 
Only joy, and no more tears or sorrow 

A love I never knew, until I found you
I promise that I do, believe that dreams come true
Miracles will be, look at you and me
heaven helped us to, believe that dreams come true

In this moment, 
filled with deep emotion hold me tight
you'll feel my true devotion

A love I never knew, until I found you
I promise that I do, believe that dreams come true
Miracles will be, look at you and me
Heaven helped us to, believe that dreams come true 
Believe that dreams come true.

Misery

Dear diary,

There is one thing that impedes me from being calm in accepting my fortune, which is the believe that I can control every situation to be in accordance with my direction. The thought that Allah will always be on my side makes me feel over confidence. No Ayuni. You've got to learn that you are actually mean nothing. You got more than what u deserve. Who do you think you are?The world will never stop spinning be it with or without you. Get a life Ayuni, please. Pathetic.

care to hunt

When Paan asked “r u okay Yuni? If there is anything wrong just tell me", I just felt like jumping to him and cry in front of him. How can someone who has never been close to me can be so understanding to that extent? Yes mate I have been crying for the past three days. A good friend of mine hates me mucho without reason that any working mind could ever accept. He is a part of my life who chooses to show so much of hatred, even calling me an asshole.

Am I gonna kneel again this time? No, definitely. With that decision to I have to swallow hard the horrendous life that I can imagine next year. Why do people whom I appreciate always tend to disregard me? why can't their eyes see how appreciative I am for their friendship? Am I good for nothing?  2 months of joy, then it halted mercilessly. How am I going to enjoy my life here without friends around, let alone knowing that we arent longer talking?

There has been a continuous pain deep inside. I am losing self-worth Paan...
Deep down I am suffering.
Thankfully, there is you who is you

sobs

A's

It does not work as how it should be. My internal compass points to jealousy again when I think of other people's blessings in life. Yesterday evening warrants this undesirable emotion. I was in Afifah's room. The Cumils did gather at her house to show support since she is going to be a HO next week. Nabilah was praying. I was quite on her bed. I took her stethoscope and tried it once to my ears. I saw a book of Becoming a Houseman and I flicked through few pages. Her life is almost perfect. What is achieved today is exactly how she wished for when we were still primary school kids. Well I should stop being so melodramatic. Allah loves me most by giving what is the best for me, in accordance with my capability. I will work hatd for my students. Probably that is how I could do to revenge, producing doctors instead of being one. Enough Ayuni. It is time that you should learn how to stop staring in the dark. Find yourself back again! And to Afifah, well done. You are indeed my number one inspirer and have never stopped being one. I love u buddy.

The last smile

"Jangan perkecilkan perbuatan yg nampak kecil. sebiji benih dicampak ke laut boleh membentuk pulau"

Her words will always be remembered
Bersemadilah kamu dengan aman
Puan Siti Akmar
8.37pm 13/8/2014

a perfect scene

Dear diary,

Due to so much of disappointment particularly from abah's phone call this morning, how i wish I could spend one whole evening with the following people, have a pleasant chit chat together while all the needles of all watches are taken out of the faces:

oci

tazi

ejat

ipi

tyah

haziq 

paan

faten

athirah

nabilah

nazirah 

mia ruzaini

liyana

sharul

kak rena

hanis

faqiehah

viki

rindu tanpa kompromi

wavin' flag

Dear diary,

For the first time I have got a confession to make. After so much of freedom there has been change in the rythm of this tiny little heart this evening. I could sense a strange yet noteworthy feeling the moment when we were told about our separate journey to the same untoward place. Witnessed by the choir team, I saw the large hand saying a sweet goodbye and slowly disappeared from my sight. Absolutely the waving hand is not an everyday little thing. How I wish that its owner realizes that such act left me with an undescribable feeling. I saw that hand again before we left the ward from different door. For God sake, I secretly scanned the hand from the mirror reflection, hoping for any gesture addressed for me. To my surprise, my name was called again with that waving hand realizing my dream in the most fairy tale way. Irrespective of the vagueness, I should admit that the following night spent thinking of the waving hand. The most meaningful wave- that is basically the title those hands earned. Well probably the soul that was responsible for the gesture per se. Nothing is going to happen anyway. But I should thank that hand for spreading that sweetness for me to remember. What a joy it is if reality as just how I imagine, or perhaps more in the future that bring me closer to that :)

1 Ramadhan

esk puasa
first time mengajar juga
subjek yg tidak pernah kusuka

oh td jumpa programmer395
xsangka
Allah pertemukan kami jua

tidak dilupa
pemergian kak za mak sepupu saya
semoga tenang di sana

marilah berpuasa
dan menjadi insan yg lebih kamil berbanding sebelumnya

:)

selamat hari guru ayuni.this is the path that you have chosen.May Allah guide you through the journey of making the students know from not knowing. :)

Ego

It has been almost two weeks that we have not spoken to each other.
The conflict that I had never expected to occur.
If there is a different way, definitely I am going to slither



~~I will just leave to Allah to soften your heart
~~I miss you friend

T.T

#4Alfa

Today

3.30 pm
RTC Kota Bharu
I met TH after 10 years
It was him. I swear!
That class monitor of 4Alfa, standing 1m away from me.
Wah lau wei..Epicnya!!!!!!


(^___________________________________________________________________^)

if only i had guts to drop a friendly hello. at least. sigh

Jellabies

"I pledge that I will serve the school with full of commitment, workmanship and sincerity"
My promise sounded almost as such on the paper that I put my signature in front of Puan Ainun that day. Finally declaring myself as a working lady, I reported my duty to Sekolah Menengah Jeli nearly the past four weeks. Expect less brings less pain- the philosophy that I set in my mind since the first day I arrived here. Day by day, now I am adapting quite well with the moderate life that the people around here are accustomed to. I survive staying alone in a low-cost-but-expensive-rent house with no ceiling fan, stove, TV, broadband, and only two or three radio stations could give clear signal to make matter worse...yes that is about it. Come to think of it, I know I am a strong daughter. Sobs..

Jeli is so remote to the extent that I can allow sympathetic face from the world to be dedicated to me. I actually have never been to somewhere worse than this, so I cannot give solid judgement right on the button. I am part of this area now and my perception does not change. What I love is the hill view ahead of me that I can see from my car on my way to school. It looks so green, beautiful, and refreshing. With Joe-No One Else Come Close as the backgroud, the greeenery all around, and my school that is located only 3 kilometers away, it is true to have a thought that I am looking forward for another refreshing morning after one left. Plus, I simply love the staff that I know in that school. Most of them are young and very passionate with their responsibility. Puan Habsah who cares about my welfare, Kak Sara who is a great sister figure, Sir Sharul who appears to be a colleague just like what I dream for, the cool Kak Nor, the melodious Encik Adnan, the motherly Puan Siti Zubidah and many more.

Plus, I have 3 new good friends around me who turns Jeli to be Los Anjeli for a few secs. Luckily, SMK Jeli and SMS Jeli are neighbours.They are all the enthusiastic TESLians with the name of Fadhilah, Anuar and Syafiq, apart from Adib who I have regarded already as a part of my life. They are all here to keep each other's company. 5 of us make up for a much more matured version of the irreplaceable F7 that I miss so deeply. We gather quite often in a week just to witness each other's progress, gossip about the world, blurt out our classroom incidents, and so on. Three of them are nice, actually very nice and I feel so thankful for their presence, especially Syafiq who is posted to the same school as I am.

Well, everything seems to be fine.
But somehow...

...

and I cannot deny any longer.

Posting

Dear diary,

Alhamdulillah
Alhamdulillah
Alhamdulillah
The day that I have been waiting for since May 2013 has finally shown up. All the questions answered in a very undisputable way. All the TESLians are now satisfied as the waiting time has come to the end. Some news were shocking tho, like for Viki to be sent to Johor and also included a cute story of Tava who will spend many more years in Kelantan. How about me? I will be in Kelantan, probably will just end my whole life here. I am grateful but why am I not happy enough with this reality while other new teachers probably have been crying in silence to receive the same news as I am one day. I know Allah knows better to give what is the best for me. I did not get Perak, I did not get Selangor and I did not get to teach good schools. How's that??

It is the beginning of another dull plot in an already dull saga. This joy is not entirely true. While my parents' kiss on my cheeks left me with a very sinful emotion of some sort, deep down I tried to conceal the real feelings. I need to reset my mind. Allah is faithful. He will give what I need. He will give nothing beyond my ability to handle, He plans is the best, and He will surely be by my side in the mess and in the pain. With Him in charge, everything would be OK. Well, maybe it is time for me to put forth energy towards everybody near me-parents especially without feeling morally obliged to do so.

There's no other way that I could make myself feels better. Not a single soul in this world can understand how I feel. And maybe I do not understand my own feeling too. Everything is so messed up lately. I should get all the thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, etc. to be back in some degree of order. No, my life is not messy. It is just not like how I dream it to be. As a consequence, I am left as an unhappy but grateful being.
Crap!

After all, I am so gonna love my job.
And I hope it can boomerang '',)

One good thing for today, Muqhlis contacted me, telling that he got 70% for English.
Ya Allah, I love my Tanjung Pauh students so much.

Amanecer

This is an entry that I secretly dedicate for a good friend of mine. She is a just a simple Chinese girl who is really special beyond her simplicity. We were not as close as after she found Islam.
I can only pray that the light

2010- It was an evening unlike the other. Together with a few friends, we stayed at the uni to listen to a talk organized for Islamic Awareness Week. A well-known speaker from London came all the way to Portsmouth to share with us on the truthfulness of Islamic economy system and a few snippets of advice regarding how to survive in the world of capitalism.

Nuggle Cuddle Snuggle

Dear diary,

20 degree C?? Something rare is actually happening.
The outside weather is cold! Here in Kelantan, and you feel like unrolling your mattress at the compound to have a comfortable sleep. I am indulging the cold air with my ears listening to Chicago- Will You Still Love Me together with some kind of 'jiwangness' brought together by the wind. Among all the details that Allah has predestined in the solar systems, this is what I feel so grateful for- the passing cold wind from China. Tell me about it!

Oh well, since I find this too oddly special and I should get it kept here, so that in years to come I can recall that there was a period of time in my life where there is no need for me to feel jealous of those in Siberia who might not know the meaning of fluttering hand fan in a scorchingly hot day like I always do. My place is currently a proto-type of an ideal place to live in. It is a blessing, very minimal yet sufficiently satisfying.

I-don't-need-anymore-lemons-for-lemonade-at least-for-today-tomorrow-and-the-day-after

~No I can't go on.. 'Cause I can't go on..~

Marvel

“Shakirah- her name may look plain on paper but the owner. Frankly speaking, she is someone whom I look up to. Whoever lives with her can emulate good qualities of a student, friend, sister, and ultimately a future doctor. She developed her passion in medical field from the start and she works hard towards achieving her goal. When it comes to work, she will be the most professional person to contribute in the team. She also projects commendable level of maturity which enables her to handle things well during ups and down. Above that, she is still a flexible social butterfly who fits all circles. Despite our perception of fun at times might be dissimilar, we perpetually share lots of giggles throughout the journey and we still keep sharing laughs on every time we catch up. I believe she will make an ideal doctor for the nation. I wish her the brightest future ahead.”

This is the odd thing that I have done tonight. Yuyu requested me to write a testimonial for RMC yearbook although we were only together for a year in MRSM. Doing this as if I am also a part of her medical school. Pelik bin ajaib but it is such an honour... :D

Oh Kak Jenny

Dear diary,

I came across some ugly definitions of a word that I initially had doubt creeping in regarding its existence. There is such term as housechild, although unauthorized but sufficiently depressing. As 'siot' as it seems, by definition a housechild is 'old-enough to be a housewife, unemployed, plus has lived away from the house for a period of time and is now coming back to the house just when the parents thought they were finally rid of her". Sheesh!! It has never been easy to get over this ongoing excruciating period of unemployment and uncertainty. It is like you are living alone on another earth that has stopped spinning. You can only witness a normal perfect life portrayed by other people while you helplessly questioning in silence why life is being so unkind to you. And somehow or rather you feel like getting back at world but again, the helplessness is the concern. I know. Allah knows. Only we both know. It is only the sixth day of 2014 and look how unmotivated have I become. Nak kena Ayuni niiii..

I need fresh air! Can the world hear me shouting from this mattress top? :D

While I was hoping for a good excuse for another so-called blissful escapism, Kak Jannah came in with the strongest ever reason to tell abah and mama. She is getting married! OK what is so great about her getting married? Of course it is! Kak Jannah is my naqibah. I have got to see her because.. first, I am pretty sure that it is unlikely to be another next time. The possibility is slowly fading. Second, I have millions of reasons to love her as she was the one who had made every weekend at Wellington more meaningful by prompting us to sit together turning each miraculous pages of Quran. The routine that grew to be more significant from that moment on. So that's it. Seeing Kak Jannah is a must even if It means that I've got to find my own way to her place in Muar.

He made thing easy for me as always. My spontaneous plan has been positively responded by the girls. Everybody seems to be willing travel again from different coordinate to catch up. There had been a few after we parted but it's never enough. Well, this stone gonna get not just two, but maybe three or four birds killed sadistically. I will promise to you el diario that I will get better. I will work on those few do's. Yezzaa..Just another week to go. Muy perfecto ^^

Azam-zam alakazam

I guess I know already what is the best resolution for myself
- grab all opportunities available
- be bold
- take risk

:) yosh!

I entered Tadika on January 1st! -Aisyah (6 y/old)