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I I I I never... never...
as far away as it may seem no
Soon we'll be together
We'll pick up right where we left off

PARIS-LONDON-TOKYO-PARIS-LONDON-TOKYO-PARIS-LONDON-TOKYO-PARIS-LONDON-TOKYO-PARIS-LONDON-TOKYO-PARIS-LONDON-TOKYO-PARIS-LONDON

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Lesson malam ini

Dear me,

This was a night with a black eye. It was hidden somewhere, not so easily spotted, but the aura is felt... and so does the creepy stare.

Remember: 

1. Stop painting so much of happy expectation in your mind because that is fundamental in working through avoiding disappointments in the future. Land is where castle can get built, not the air seriously! 

2. Life is about racing with destiny. You just cannot wait all the time since you are actually racing with it. Certain things in life need action rather than patience.

Sob sob sob and those should be just let flown in the limbo silence of the past.

Thankfully, it is not yet stretched to the snapping point. Ok je..

I am ok!

No, I am not!

I am ok!

No, I am not!

2 (I am Ok) + (-2(I am ok)) = 0

=0

=mulut ternganga sikit

Cikgu Nik Abdullah Nik Ibrahim, I personally do not know so much about the life of this man, all his doings, good or bad, I pretty much left untold which is something that I am comfortable with since 'kids' in my family are universally forbidden to poke nose into the elderly's matters. His name appears after my mom's- one thing for sure. He likes my name to also have Hanim when my mom was deciding to name me. Therefore, as a granddaughter I silently blamed him for the time wasted to write my long name when I was small. I heard a story about how he gave my first brother a bicycle for getting the highest rank in the class during primary school but I got nothing although I achieved the same quite a few times.  I know that he is the one who always came to our kampung house and all the grandchildren will kiss his hand to sort of officiate the raya ceremony. He travels using his motorbike all the time from kedai menanti to his child's house of his choice. He pays attention on his appearance as he never seen wearing other than collared shirt tucked in in his slacks completed with a leather belt. At the age of 55 he chose to remarry to a lady younger than my mom. Allah gives him more kids and by the time I was born, I somewhat competed with his own children in seeking for his love and attention. I did not win the game. However, I believe that he must at least has brushed my hair. All I can remember is that he came to see my dad on the weekend to discuss on the education, school, career path, anything significant for the well being of his 'new' children. 

In 2009, I still remember his effort to build a small hut near the entrance of abah's rubber tree farm all by himself with his might so that it would be easier for us to rest after tapping the trees in 5 years time. He was strong, but there is nothing in this world that can last forever. He was unable to stand when we visited him on the eid of 2012. While just sitting on the old chair, he shook my hand, smiled at me and asked whether I manage to bring back any mat saleh from 'Inggeley' to be introduced to him. At that point I realized that he's always joking around with me.^^

I've never thought that it was the last proper converstion between us. Last Syawal we gathered around him. He lied on the mattress but was still able to smile, and respond to our questions. I asked him if he remembers me and he smiled and I could still hear my name came out from his mouth. The next visit shows that he became senile. He kept asking for another plate of food right after eating off one and he cannot remember anybody. 

Weeks after another, slowly Allah is taking whatever capabilities lent to him. Two days ago i could see his eyes opened. He tried to say something but the response he received from his children was nothing but shahada and zikrullah. There was no solid food goes into his mouth. He took only two spoons of Zamzam water. Days before, maybe a sip or two.  His mouth dry, his eyes became reddish and watery. His body turns extremely bony, the flesh sagged downwards, gradually leaving the upper parts. I tried not to stare, but I braved myself to confirm what i heard about his mouth. His tongue sinks while its outer layer came off in flakes and ulcers formed at many areas of the mouth. That might be the reason that he does not want to eat or drink anymore. Kak Nor thinks that he is finishing the remaining sustenance in his life, every little drop of water and every single seed of rice.

And just now he never woke up. He slept soundly with rapid breath. There were a few attempts to wake him up but they just failed. Everybody knows that he is not actually sleeping. I eyed on all faces in that room. What's left in their eyes was nothing other than reflection of sorrow.

May Allah hold his hearing to be the last to go so that he will be able to hear your name before the veil of the next life is lifted.

"His death is moving closer to him"

Abah's voice 

-breaking the silence 

-breaking many hearts 

-breaking down the barrier between us and the undesirable truth

                        **********

19.10.2013

06:45

He's such a great man. 

The world should know this.

=)

Aidil + Adha

I woke up to the sound of wok at the kitchen at 4.30 while my room is spinning  for sitting up so quickly.

The supermom sacrificed her sleep to prepare the nasi dagang.

And then, somehow, the sacrifice is already shown

=)

Salam aidiladha.. Rumahku yg sunyi :'(

Good time

Dear diary,

There is no other better time to say this than now. Good memories will never fade  simply because it lives on in our heart, no matter how hard your mind tries to erase. The bits might be indiscriminately scattered in the brain microchip but they stay, almose readily for us to restore, and probably timeless. A chat with Ipi and Haziq just now proves this very vividly, although the content of our conversation was mainly about silly things, life updates and recalling the past. Indeed, there is a high probability that we will never forget whoever crossed our path and shared good memories along the way. Undeniably, even if we want to forget a particular person, as long as he or she is part of our good time, the memories will be the ruining factor of our effort. And of course, memories and friendship are closely intertwined too. Good friendship will always begets good memories of good times. Ipi is probably right about the wisdom of less is more when having an enjoyable life. Sugar does bring energy and sugar does lead you to ordering your tombstone too >.<

Well, I am looking forward to TESL Portsmouth reunion at Ejat's place this November. She made such a lovely effort to hold a bbq feast just for us to get together. Bless.. =)

Last but not least, I am looking forward to knowing more good friends that my future time may offer because I am hoping for more good times in life. 

Selamat malam dunia

^^

^^

Your words had been immortalized here cik tyah. Suka sgt. Arigato gozaimasu ^^

Dup dap

9.45 malam

Dear diary,

Perbualan mereka sgt menakutkan.

Paling menakutkan dalam sejarah filem komedi.

And I will die soon

Please

DO NOT promise anything mom

On a VERY serious note

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